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Sea of Lovers

Definitely the song of the year.
Every time I listen to it I can think back to walking around in Van.
I remember all the feelings I’ve had before I decided to go on my boy binge lol.
I remember listening to this at the gym in Van... staring at the sparkling lights, reconciling my feelings and thoughts.
Almost a full year later and I’m still doing the same thing.
My heart.
A whole year and arguably fruitless labour...
But all experiences are experiences nonetheless, right?
Definitely have to say this was an interesting year. Most eventful yet.
Every year I say this, and I hope it’s gonna continue...
Meanwhile I have to get my shit TOGETHER.

SO tired

Don’t know how I’m gonna get my shit together for school. So tired and unfocused. Thinking about stupid boy obviously. I’m so disappointed. I know in the long run it’ll be fine.... but at the moment I’m feeling pretty shitty. Like why do I always have to be the one on the side... like when is it gonna be easy for me? Not gonna try at this rate.

Reminder #12381389179 of the day

Becuase I feel like the sadness is like a fucking wave that won’t leave me alone. Stop ebbing.

- You didn’t lose anything. You can’t lose someone you never had.

- You are strong enough to let go of things you know will hurt you.

- You absolutely deserve amazing things.

Ugh

I need to get my shit together.
I hope a week from now I will laugh and be like silly. You’re gonna be absolutely fine.

Comes in waves I guess.

Was fine last night and then today it’s back to feeling hurt and stupid and like I wasted so much time. And energy. And hope.
Fuuuuuuck.
Never do this again.

Ugh.

So. So. Bummed.

First day where we only exchanged like one phrase. I sent him a long message and got a short response. I refuuuuuuuuuse to go back.

Don’t do it girl.

Don’t be that girl who said one thing and can’t own up to her words.

You don’t want to be friends with someone you like who’s in love with someone else.

Maybe he’s confused as to what he wants but you know what you want and it’s not what he’s able to give you. So. No.

Stop.

Stop it with the expectations.

Every time you get your hopes up, you always hurt that much more.

Disappointment after disappointment

Honestly, my heart is so fucking tired.

I legit cannot even fathom how fkn hopeless it feels on my end.

So many goddamn disappointments.

Like why...

I swear I won’t put myself through this again.

Either...

I’m experiencing burn out or I just feel like I will be able to pull of decent grades while procrastinating.
I really, relaly, don’t want to pull any more all-nighters.
But it looks like that’ll be the case for a long while...........
So much info to learn. Jeez.
So many things I wanna do. Omg.
I just hope I won’t be dead for the two weeks I have off, and will be able to get my life togetherrrrrr.

Hahahahah why not revive.

I have so many blogs and journals and whatever scattered about I don’t even know where to go.

But strangely, I no longer feel that same urge to restart something new all the time. In a way, it’s as if med school has taught me to let go of my perfectionist tendencies. I’m trying my best and that’s all that counts. Wtv.

But... fkn lol at my profile. So. So. So. So. Cringeworthy. Whatever, must keep because it’s hilarious.

I don’t know how to update. First thought went to my story and how I probably won’t ever finish it... :’(

Um, other thoughts. Med school is tough but I think I’m getting the hang of it. Just saying no to things I can’t handle. And generally just starting to get more focused and more efficient. Letting go of the little things.

Trying to stop planning as much too, which I suppose goes with the whole perfectionism thing. (I guess I do have issues on some level. I don’t know.) But letting go of planning that perrrrrfecttt life and just taking things as they come while having some sort of structure. Balance.

When it comes to friendships, I’m trying my best to be a good friend.

Trying to be good at dating. Suck majorly at it. Get so attached so easily (or on the contrary, not care at all)... not sure which one is better. To like a person and get super sensitive and hopeful or to not care and be able to go for many dates without caring, without being anxious for a text-back.

^ Guess some things I haven’t grown out of. Haha.

Back to homework and such. :)