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Bc i’m A psycho

This is really long, but this may very well be the last time you’ll hear from me, so please bear with me:

The point of this message isn’t to blame, but I guess I’m still feeling indignant and so two quick points. Don’t make it sound like I’m the one responsible for all of the conflicts, when you know that it takes two to tango and circumstances were at play. And you avoiding me because of what I was going through - well, my being stressed about my health and its implications, about my career and my exams - that’ll stay with me for life and so there was never gonna be a “good” time. You avoided me because you thought it would be for the best, but it’s not like I didn’t notice you avoiding. It hurt anyway.

That’s ^ me trying to prove how valid my perspective is. I’m not saying that your side isn’t, and even when I disagree with you, I don’t doubt that you had good intentions. When I think about it like that, past the hurt, I can’t really bring myself to get mad anymore.

That being said, re: being friends with you... we’ve already tried. The only reason why I would/could hang onto you via friendship is my connection with you. But, it really isn’t that simple. That connection allowed me to talk to you about the craziest things but also trust you with the vulnerable stuff. And so along with that, came - very naturally - a certain type of chemistry and compatibility because how many people would I actually want to entertain long conversations, have fun, and joke around with? Then throw in some emotional attachment because you’ve fought to keep me in your life before and therefore made me feel like I mattered. And of course, there’s the physical attraction and desire. So what goes away just because you slapped the word “friendship” on things? If nothing goes away, how long before I get hurt again? And if we limit ourselves to the point where these things can’t exist anymore, what would be left? More importantly, you’ve pointed out that everything is just too complicated between us, that there’s nothing that can be worked on, that there are sooo many reasons why you don’t want to be with me - if I were to fully internalize these things, how much of this connection that I esteem in my mind, do you think, would remain?

When you told me that nothing would ever happen between us, it suddenly became so clear to me that that was the only thing I ever wanted from all of this, and that whenever I told myself otherwise I simply just wasn’t being honest with myself. This realization literally gave me the courage to say all of this because even if you were totally done with me and ignored this... it really wouldn’t change much, because what else is there to lose? And of course, the worse alternative would be to leave things the way I did this afternoon, and after everything, I don’t want to say goodbye on such a sour note. But I sincerely hope you understand that there’s a time to recognize when you can’t keep trying to be friends with someone you’d fall for - depending on what your definition of friendship is, anyway. If you’re talking about hanging out again and texting often... I can’t say for sure but I doubt it’d remain platonic on my end because of the way I feel connected to you. I don’t know about you but I felt very comfortable with you right off the bat - I remember being excited and gushing to my friends about having met “someone who could be really special”. But I mean... if friendship down the road would mean occasional how are you’s just for formality’s sake then sure, we can be friends. I’ll always be friendly and civil - you’ve given me no reason to be anything else - and regardless how I can get in the heat of the moment, I’m not one to harbour feelings of bitterness or hatred just because. And like I said, all the negative feelings kinda dissipate whenever I think about how you would never intentionally try to hurt me; in that sense, I have never doubted your character. So... that leaves the positives, yay! Well, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed learning so many random things from you, I loved debating and being challenged by you, and this certainly applied to more areas than one. How nice, it felt, to be respected as an equal but also pushed by someone to grow. You singlehandedly made me want to work harder on my French and created an interest in podcasts on philosophy and such, which was a very pleasant surprise (and I realize how embarrassing this sounds on paper but like I said, nothing to lose). You also have a such kind heart; it’s always taken me by surprise, how you’ve never made me feel disposable. I’ll always remember and be grateful for the way you made me feel better after my diagnosis and called me great when I was at a low. You’ve always been patient with me, you’ve shown a lot of loyalty by putting up with me all those times, and you’re even pretty damn inspirational because you’ve done all that while dealing with everything that you deal with. From what you’ve told me, you’ve shown nothing but grit and resilience your whole life and so I’m confident you’ll be able to handle anything that comes your way. And of course, your writing - what a beautiful passion and talent you have for something that’s hardly related to your actual career. Oh, and you really do have the prettiest blue eyes, and eyelashes to boot! Lucky girl, whoever she’ll be.

Haha, typical Janet, right? Always writing impossibly long messages, always dramatic, always blubbering, and over what, right? But this is how I am... I’ve always been all-or-nothing, and when I really like someone my feelings are intense, independent of all rhyme or reason. Either way, I leave it all on the table so that I have no regrets later on. But yeah. This is truly everything I have to say, from a clear headspace, and while I do feel so awfully sad saying goodbye, I don’t see any other option, and so I do feel a lot of peace saying this. I truly mean it when I say that I wish you everything wonderful in life, and that it was really nice meeting you, Jee.

Blood test waiting

Sooooooo I guess it’s time to be religious. 😬😬😬

Sea of Lovers

Definitely the song of the year.
Every time I listen to it I can think back to walking around in Van.
I remember all the feelings I’ve had before I decided to go on my boy binge lol.
I remember listening to this at the gym in Van... staring at the sparkling lights, reconciling my feelings and thoughts.
Almost a full year later and I’m still doing the same thing.
My heart.
A whole year and arguably fruitless labour...
But all experiences are experiences nonetheless, right?
Definitely have to say this was an interesting year. Most eventful yet.
Every year I say this, and I hope it’s gonna continue...
Meanwhile I have to get my shit TOGETHER.

SO tired

Don’t know how I’m gonna get my shit together for school. So tired and unfocused. Thinking about stupid boy obviously. I’m so disappointed. I know in the long run it’ll be fine.... but at the moment I’m feeling pretty shitty. Like why do I always have to be the one on the side... like when is it gonna be easy for me? Not gonna try at this rate.

Reminder #12381389179 of the day

Becuase I feel like the sadness is like a fucking wave that won’t leave me alone. Stop ebbing.

- You didn’t lose anything. You can’t lose someone you never had.

- You are strong enough to let go of things you know will hurt you.

- You absolutely deserve amazing things.

Ugh

I need to get my shit together.
I hope a week from now I will laugh and be like silly. You’re gonna be absolutely fine.

Comes in waves I guess.

Was fine last night and then today it’s back to feeling hurt and stupid and like I wasted so much time. And energy. And hope.
Fuuuuuuck.
Never do this again.

Ugh.

So. So. Bummed.

First day where we only exchanged like one phrase. I sent him a long message and got a short response. I refuuuuuuuuuse to go back.

Don’t do it girl.

Don’t be that girl who said one thing and can’t own up to her words.

You don’t want to be friends with someone you like who’s in love with someone else.

Maybe he’s confused as to what he wants but you know what you want and it’s not what he’s able to give you. So. No.

Stop.

Stop it with the expectations.

Every time you get your hopes up, you always hurt that much more.

Disappointment after disappointment

Honestly, my heart is so fucking tired.

I legit cannot even fathom how fkn hopeless it feels on my end.

So many goddamn disappointments.

Like why...

I swear I won’t put myself through this again.