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Hahahahah why not revive.

I have so many blogs and journals and whatever scattered about I don’t even know where to go.

But strangely, I no longer feel that same urge to restart something new all the time. In a way, it’s as if med school has taught me to let go of my perfectionist tendencies. I’m trying my best and that’s all that counts. Wtv.

But... fkn lol at my profile. So. So. So. So. Cringeworthy. Whatever, must keep because it’s hilarious.

I don’t know how to update. First thought went to my story and how I probably won’t ever finish it... :’(

Um, other thoughts. Med school is tough but I think I’m getting the hang of it. Just saying no to things I can’t handle. And generally just starting to get more focused and more efficient. Letting go of the little things.

Trying to stop planning as much too, which I suppose goes with the whole perfectionism thing. (I guess I do have issues on some level. I don’t know.) But letting go of planning that perrrrrfecttt life and just taking things as they come while having some sort of structure. Balance.

When it comes to friendships, I’m trying my best to be a good friend.

Trying to be good at dating. Suck majorly at it. Get so attached so easily (or on the contrary, not care at all)... not sure which one is better. To like a person and get super sensitive and hopeful or to not care and be able to go for many dates without caring, without being anxious for a text-back.

^ Guess some things I haven’t grown out of. Haha.

Back to homework and such. :)

God, why do I have to feel this way...

He just messaged me for the first time in 2 weeks.
I don't even know what to feel.
My first thought was "God why can't you leave me alone"...
Second was, "Maybe he's just responding to my snap story of a poke bowl."
Now it's, "Why does he affect me this much. :("
Ugh.
I still feel fragile.
I don't know how I'm going to react anymore...

I'm trying to let go. It's not happening all at once, and I accept that, but damn.
I'm just scared, every time he talks to me.
:(
I hope I'll laugh at myself later on, for feeling this way.
Jeez.

I'm trying to focus on the situation and focus on moving on.
Because what I had with him was a beautiful memory - I lived, I let myself feel. It added to the human experience.
But this?
This is like torture lol. 

Empty...

I don't know why but I feel so empty.
Mum is upstairs, upset and feeling abandoned.
I honestly feel too emotionally tired to comfort her.
I'm exhausted myself. I slept 12 hrs last night and I woke up feeling rested for the first time in a while.
B is still constantly on my mind, can't stop the memories from replaying in my mind. And still feeling empty.
Going out and just feeling blah all the time.
Whyyyyy... 

I'm so fucked.

Feelings wise.
He only messaged me yesterday because his girl was out of town.
I can't even tell you, future J reading this, how utterly hurt and angry I got.
And yet... somehow, the instant he started talking to me everything just melted.
I still care.
He cares for me as a friend.
And I am touched, and I am happy that he cares, even if it's just secondary to what I want.
It makes me feel like what if I had stayed. Or if in the future, he decided to visit or if I moved to the west coast.
God.
Why am I doing this to myself...
If he truly cared, he wouldn't have let you go. If he cared, he would not be so okay just being friends, and sending you snaps of his dates.
God, it hurts, so why can't I let this go.
(Because it would hurt even more to cut things loose. Because it would hurt even more to realize he wouldn't even fight for you to stay.)
Every time I think it gets better, I'm reminded of why it hasn't.
And that's how I know I'm fucked.
Because everytime I think I'm closer to getting closure, to moving on, something pulls me back, and I can't do it. He doesn't even give me anything to hang onto. But I hang onto anything, and I think I might be even more attached in a strange way.
I don't even know whether it's better to hate someone or to accept that you do think they're great, but just not for you. Or in my situation, where I know he's clearly having a great time with someone else, but I am so delusional that I'm happy even when I am the person he contacts when he has nothing else to do (literally). And I keep telling myself that he's a great source of support, and that he is nice, and he wouldn't text me to ask me how I'm doing if he didn't care.
But I fell for him just a little more yesterday, even for the short while we had a convo.
Am I just wearing rose-coloured glasses or is he really just the kind of person that I click with that easily?
Why am I just an open book when I talk to him... As vulnerable as can be.
The worst part maybe, then, is the fact that there's an in-between. Where he cares enough so that you have him checking up on you, when he's good enough of a person to not have done anything wrong to you, when you care enough that you're willing to settle for even the slightest bit of attention, when the reason things didn't continue was because you had to leave.
I feel like I'm fine now, emotionally, because it hasn't been that long since our last contact.
It's like his attention is my drug or something and it's only going to be a matter of time before I need my next hit and I compulsively look for it and wait for it.
Enough of an addiction to compulsively stalk his new girl and project onto myself crazy insecurities.
Enough to cry even when I'm not PMSing.
Oh boy.
I know at this point, it'd be best to let him go.
I know it deep in my heart, but I can't.
I keep telling myself that I shouldn't make a big deal out of it because it isn't, and I shouldn't acknowledge that he affects me as much as he does, but.... fuck.

Fkn asswipe.

I sitll can't get over the fact that B is sending me snaps of his dates.
Are you fucking kidding me.
Like I really need to know what youre' doing on your dates or that your dating life is SOOO successful.
Get that you're happy but if all you're gonna fucking send me is your goddamn dates and your sunsets you can go fuck yourself.
Fuck you.
Honestly, fuck you.

i got in...

I fkn got in.
I don't know how, or why but wtv. I fucking got in.
Was just crying about not feeling adequate for anyone or anything yesterday.
Had to make an appointment for a counsellor because I wasn't ready to face rejection without help. I saw a peer support centre today.
I can't believe I made it.
I can't fucking believe I made it.
Omg.
Literally hyperventilated/cried/happily squeaked the instance I saw it.
I know exactly how anxious I felt prior to the moment I got accepted and... and... I don't know.
I was listening to "Ordinary Girl" LOL.
Praying.
I got in,
HOLY FUCK.
I'm going to be a doctor.

"Carry On, Warrior"

Reading to make myself feel better.
"The heart that breaks open can contain the universe."
A broken heart is not the end, but a beginning.
"Perhaps it felt safer to spend her life saving humanity than to risk loving one human being again."
"Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it."
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
- Carpe the little moments...
- People often know what they have to do. When they ask for advice they are often asking for love
- Sometimes things get worse before they get better
You do not have to earn our love or pride and you can't lose it.
We don't love because we will have [it] forever, we love because loving changes us, makes us better, healthier, kinder, realer.

Edit...

so i've been reading for a couple of hours, and found out that the couple that worked hard to stay together in the book actually ended up breaking up last year. And the author quickly transitioned to someone else.

Now reading her blog, full of stories of heartbreak even after many years of marriage.
Oh god.

Will I ever find someone.............. 

Oh god it hurts...

I'll never let on how much it hurt.
But he snapped yesterday, I snapped today, no response.
Fourth day w/ no real contact and guess who's sad, and who has someone hot to have fun with...
:(

BIG HEART I HAVE.

Ahahahah just wanted to make a mental note - how crazy it is to read my entries from two years ago. Each year I seem to be complaining about some boy not giving me the time of day.
And each time I felt more and more during the experience.
Still waiting for someone really special...
Maybe it'll happen soon, and I will look back on these entries and laugh, not because I was ever silly - my emotions have always been valid, but because everything is relative, and once I meet a really great guy, all my past "heartbreaks" will melt away.
(Please, future J, tell me that the whole med thing worked out, and that you've met someone really really worthwhile.)
And remember that memories will always be memories, untouchable, and that can't be taken away, even if things change. People move on. That's life.
The only constant is the love I have for you - from current J to future J, but by the time you're reading this you will still be current J.
It's the beauty of the moment.
I'm 23 now, trying to hold onto each moment, to really live.

Letting go.

Found out who B is now seeing last night and lost sleep over it.
Stalked, compared, the whole shinding.
It's time to let go...
Did Yoga for a Broken Heart. Remember doing it 2 years ago with R, and how long it took for my heart to heal, but can find solace in the fact that I no longer feel anything towards him.
Dear self:
Time to let go my love.
Stop demonizing him... thinking he's a bad guy because he's not... Stop thinking that he wasn't all that great... Becuase you liked him. You can't blame someone for not liking you or seeing the way you see yourself.
Stop thinking that he'll one day regret losing out on you, or thinking that you'll get super hot to make him jealous... Stop thinking that he'll one day want you. Things just aren't meant to be.
It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with him.
It's just the way life is...
Please babe, just let it go.
You don't deserve to harbour these sad emotions.
It's okay to feel sad, but it's also time to begin letting go.
You are exactly where you are supposed to be. It was a beautiful experience, it was untouchable, and now they're beautiful memories. Let the rest go.
Think big picture.
I love you, unconditionally.