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April 2016

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My heart is broken into a million pieces and I don't know what to do.

I am almost 22 years old.
Twice the age of the younger me who thought that I was going to be a doctor.
I feel so, so, so very lost. I don't know how to get back up either... I want to but I feel like everything is falling apart.
No, this is not hormones - last week, when I was hormonal, I got into a fight with one of the best guys I've ever met.
A year ago I was mourning over a breakup - but it wasn't even that great of a relationship. Maybe I felt as shitty then as I do now but I feel like my reasons and sorrows are much more valid. Maybe it's a psychological thing but what I'm going through right now feels like it's unravelling everything that I think (more like thought) I was.

I don't think I handle rejection very well. My acceptance of myself is very, very, VERY conditional (what a tragedy that is too). It's making me hold back from everything. I take rejections really and way too personally.

I spent the last free summer doing stuff I didn't appreciate enough. Now I'm on a fast track to finishing my career that requires constant studying and learning and everything that I can't forget - and it's enough to make me feel like I'm on a train that's about to fall off a cliff. I feel anxiety just thinking about the summer and that fact is giving me more anxiety.

I got rejected from the med school that I know lots of people are gonna get accepted into. I can't even begin to fathom how shitty that makes me feel. I wanted it but not really. I think I mostly wanted it for the ego boost... but even as I'm typing this I feel like I'm saying that because I'm really trying to hide the fact that maybe I do want it. And that I'm saying that I don't want it as a protective mechanism. My heart is screwed up like that.

I don't ever feel inspired. Maybe it's depression. Who knows. Or maybe I'm in a career that I don't really want and so it makes me want to run away.

I'm not good at dealing with problems. I'm a coward.

I am always late. Can never be on time. And that gives me anxiety.

I think I'm falling in love with a guy who has a girlfriend of 3 years. I don't even understand how that's possible. Falling for someone after getting to know them is the absolute fucking worst. The worst part is when they're friends with you and actually treat you like a good friend so you get all their non-sexual love raining all over your fucking heart. And it's like I've become vicious enough to wish for his gf to turn out to be mediocre, for them to break up, for him to get into the same program as me. It's not me, but I can't help it. I don't want to meet her. It would make her real and if she's nice - which she most likely is - then I would probably feel like even worse shit. Like WHY, why can't you be mine... Or why the fuck was I dumb enough to fall for a guy who's taken. Oh, right. I never thought of him in that way until I got to know him as a friend. That makes it so much easier to deal with... Fuck my life. Why is he suddenly becoming cuter. Why do I feel such a hollow pit in my stomach when he said he was bringing his gf to a graduation party. Why do I feel so weird whenever he mentions her... Why do I even care. I almost want him to leave the program so that he wouldn't be in my face everyday, but at the same time I want to see him often. I see him almost every school day, and I find excuses to see him on Sunday, too. I hate that seeing his name on my phone makes me smile.

Even now, I should be studying for an entry test for another med school. If I don't pass, then I will have wasted a shit ton of money. Wow. Great. And why am I not studying? Who knows. Maybe procrastination will give me an excuse when I don't get in.

I need to study.

I hope this goes away.

Dear me in the future, please tell me that this was all part of some long journey. And that I'll be okay. Because I'm scared I'll leave my whole life like this, in fear, never taking risks.