I'm in the middle of doing my Musculoskeletal Biomechanics lecture at the moment, but maybe I'll take this time to write. Some 'me' time is nice, but perhaps more lonely than anything else when you don't know who you are or are scared of the way you feel when you're alone with no distractions.
Dear me in the future:
I'm 20. Turning 21 in a few months. The insecurities that plagued my teenhood are worse now that I'm older. I'm scared, and sad.
Now that I've been proven to be not good enough for someone (or at least that's how I feel at the moment), I notice all my flaws all the more often. I hate the way I am... the way I'm too scared to go for the long shot, the way I always come off lackadaisical, the way I feel so desperate and a bother when I text him. I hate that I let myself be bothered by this, as if a sick part of me wants to be in pain.
Because in so many ways, being heartbroken makes him a significant part in my life. Being fine means that he's not.
I'm silly, stupid, and if I had read this post from someone else I probably would've laughed. I know I'm playing the heartbroken, damsel in distress, the attention-seeker maybe - but I can't help but bask in it. Maybe it comforts me to know that I feel something. Or maybe that's what I want to feel. Does wanting to feel sad make you cry involuntarily at every text, every word, every song? I teared up in class today...
My life feels like a mess. I have a perfect GPA. 4.0. I can take my GPA and apply and have a shot at med school, or many other programs. So why the hell do I feel so scared, so hopeless, so hesitant to risk failure? (It's nice being in a little cocoon, that's why.)
My sexuality isn't determined yet, I feel. But how he made me feel after a short relationship is enough to make me abstain from relationships or experimenting for at least a little while. If I get that attached to someone after a few months, who's to say I wouldn't literally collapse and stay on the ground if a guy dumped me after a few years? Who invented that "it takes half the time of the relationship to get over someone" BS? It would probably take me 5 years to get over a 2 year relationship. Or maybe even more.
I can't even fathom how many times I told myself I wouldn't text him but would cave every single time. Future me, is this something you're laughing at? My lack of willpower?
Today we talked, and I think it's really, really over. Because at this point there's no more "let's be friends", none of that bullcrap. And when I said "take care", I felt a tone of finality - and I'm already teary. Great.
Even if two people care about each other, they can't necessarily be together. I think that's what hurts the most. Because if I had just tried a little harder, been a little more understanding...
Future me, I hope it got better shortly after writing this. Because it's already been so long.
I think I might use this religiously again, instead of using Word documents haha. There's a certain sense of nostalgia and comfort writing to LJ again. Because the last time I did, I was so, so, so young. So different. So much happier. Guess without a comparison, you don't know what you were. Guess you need to experience something to a further extent to truly realize what it can be.