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I hate that..

I hate that I still get overwhelmed by emotions. They come in awful waves and it’s like I get paralyzed by this anger and bitterness and all I want to do is type up a storm of accusations and justifications as to why I felt and did what I did and why he had to do what he did.

And it’s like, what for... There’s nothing left to be said/done. All there is now is to let go.

Because no matter how you go about anything, it all comes down to the fact that they let you go, and if they did, it’s because they didn’t choose you. Along with that comes with the most painful implications: they didn’t like you as much as you did them, or in the way that you did them, and they didn’t think you were worth the effort.

The worst part is that I rationally know what I’m supposed to think and feel... but it’s like goddamn it, why can’t I just move on...

I think, it’s so much easier to move on when you have someone else. The hardest is when you’re lonely and trying to be heal on your own, with nothing but your mess of feelings, and trying to see what being alone is okay when you miss them so goddamn much and wishing that they would just text you and admit that they still want you in their life.

To feel like you aren’t significant in someone’s life is perhaps the most awful feeling of all.

I hate being dramatic.

Being crazy like this, so irrational, so emotional... how many nights have I cried myself to sleep now?

Losing someone you truly truly cared about sucks asssssssssssss.

Why

Make the pain stop
I just want to not feel this way anymore goddamn it
Why does he get to move on so flawlessly and I’m here crying my eyes out at 5:30AM

Now focusing on being my best self.

I know that shit has been going on but I literally can’t stand seeing myself this way, and just feeling the way that i do, and not doing well in school... this is my motherfucking career, and a damn good one at it. I need to GET MY SHIT TOGETHEr

Bc.. .

When you realize what the pain of completely losing them is like, the pain of being just friends becomes much more bearable. And when you truly care about someone, you don’t stand in the way of their happiness... You set your ego aside and find it in you to be happy for them.

I jut wished

That I would be able to wake up without replaying conversations
Without having new thoughts that physically hurt me
Without getting bitter that you couldn’t just let me go the first time, before I got so goddamn attached
And without crying

I miss you so much

And I can’t even tell you because it’d go nowhere
As bitter and hurt as I was at the time, I knew that deep down you didn’t like me as much as I did you. I don’t doubt that you cared for me but if you did, you wouldn’t have let me go after a couple of moments of hesitation. You went for someone else knowing very well how things would end up if I found out, and you did so in a matter of weeks. Meanwhile, I couldn’t even bring myself to see a really sweet guy who had the guts to approach me at a mall. And you, you thought it’d be feasible to stay friends while I knew I had to get out that instant because it’d be too painful otherwise. And that was the difference between where you and I stood.

Rejection really does sting, especially so when you’re left still wanting to fight. It’s like, why couldn’t you see how special what we had was? Maybe it wasn’t much, but it was special to me and I thought there was a lot of potential. And that’s what really gets you too right? The possibility of what could have been... Like, what if I had gone over that night? What if I had just kept my mouth shut and didn’t cause any conflict? And the absolute worst: what if I had met you a little bit later, and we could’ve started a relationship from scratch instead of settling for a confusing friendship-but-not-really?

It really, really, really hurt, you know. I just kept cycling between feeling bitter and angry and then just plain sad... I kept thinking about all those things you and I could’ve/should’ve said and done until I got too tired to do so. But as with all things in life, you heal and you grow and then you move on.

I’m proud to say that I’ve grown a lot since then. Proud and happy to say that you’ve contributed to my becoming a kinder, more patient and resilient human being. I’m happy now.

I sort of think that you did make the right call back then... maybe things just weren’t meant to be. But still. You’re my “one that got away”, you know that?

Jdkjflsadjfak

Wow... so many levels of ouch.

Bc i’m A psycho

This is really long, but this may very well be the last time you’ll hear from me, so please bear with me:

The point of this message isn’t to blame, but I guess I’m still feeling indignant and so two quick points. Don’t make it sound like I’m the one responsible for all of the conflicts, when you know that it takes two to tango and circumstances were at play. And you avoiding me because of what I was going through - well, my being stressed about my health and its implications, about my career and my exams - that’ll stay with me for life and so there was never gonna be a “good” time. You avoided me because you thought it would be for the best, but it’s not like I didn’t notice you avoiding. It hurt anyway.

That’s ^ me trying to prove how valid my perspective is. I’m not saying that your side isn’t, and even when I disagree with you, I don’t doubt that you had good intentions. When I think about it like that, past the hurt, I can’t really bring myself to get mad anymore.

That being said, re: being friends with you... we’ve already tried. The only reason why I would/could hang onto you via friendship is my connection with you. But, it really isn’t that simple. That connection allowed me to talk to you about the craziest things but also trust you with the vulnerable stuff. And so along with that, came - very naturally - a certain type of chemistry and compatibility because how many people would I actually want to entertain long conversations, have fun, and joke around with? Then throw in some emotional attachment because you’ve fought to keep me in your life before and therefore made me feel like I mattered. And of course, there’s the physical attraction and desire. So what goes away just because you slapped the word “friendship” on things? If nothing goes away, how long before I get hurt again? And if we limit ourselves to the point where these things can’t exist anymore, what would be left? More importantly, you’ve pointed out that everything is just too complicated between us, that there’s nothing that can be worked on, that there are sooo many reasons why you don’t want to be with me - if I were to fully internalize these things, how much of this connection that I esteem in my mind, do you think, would remain?

When you told me that nothing would ever happen between us, it suddenly became so clear to me that that was the only thing I ever wanted from all of this, and that whenever I told myself otherwise I simply just wasn’t being honest with myself. This realization literally gave me the courage to say all of this because even if you were totally done with me and ignored this... it really wouldn’t change much, because what else is there to lose? And of course, the worse alternative would be to leave things the way I did this afternoon, and after everything, I don’t want to say goodbye on such a sour note. But I sincerely hope you understand that there’s a time to recognize when you can’t keep trying to be friends with someone you’d fall for - depending on what your definition of friendship is, anyway. If you’re talking about hanging out again and texting often... I can’t say for sure but I doubt it’d remain platonic on my end because of the way I feel connected to you. I don’t know about you but I felt very comfortable with you right off the bat - I remember being excited and gushing to my friends about having met “someone who could be really special”. But I mean... if friendship down the road would mean occasional how are you’s just for formality’s sake then sure, we can be friends. I’ll always be friendly and civil - you’ve given me no reason to be anything else - and regardless how I can get in the heat of the moment, I’m not one to harbour feelings of bitterness or hatred just because. And like I said, all the negative feelings kinda dissipate whenever I think about how you would never intentionally try to hurt me; in that sense, I have never doubted your character. So... that leaves the positives, yay! Well, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed learning so many random things from you, I loved debating and being challenged by you, and this certainly applied to more areas than one. How nice, it felt, to be respected as an equal but also pushed by someone to grow. You singlehandedly made me want to work harder on my French and created an interest in podcasts on philosophy and such, which was a very pleasant surprise (and I realize how embarrassing this sounds on paper but like I said, nothing to lose). You also have a such kind heart; it’s always taken me by surprise, how you’ve never made me feel disposable. I’ll always remember and be grateful for the way you made me feel better after my diagnosis and called me great when I was at a low. You’ve always been patient with me, you’ve shown a lot of loyalty by putting up with me all those times, and you’re even pretty damn inspirational because you’ve done all that while dealing with everything that you deal with. From what you’ve told me, you’ve shown nothing but grit and resilience your whole life and so I’m confident you’ll be able to handle anything that comes your way. And of course, your writing - what a beautiful passion and talent you have for something that’s hardly related to your actual career. Oh, and you really do have the prettiest blue eyes, and eyelashes to boot! Lucky girl, whoever she’ll be.

Haha, typical Janet, right? Always writing impossibly long messages, always dramatic, always blubbering, and over what, right? But this is how I am... I’ve always been all-or-nothing, and when I really like someone my feelings are intense, independent of all rhyme or reason. Either way, I leave it all on the table so that I have no regrets later on. But yeah. This is truly everything I have to say, from a clear headspace, and while I do feel so awfully sad saying goodbye, I don’t see any other option, and so I do feel a lot of peace saying this. I truly mean it when I say that I wish you everything wonderful in life, and that it was really nice meeting you, Jee.

Blood test waiting

Sooooooo I guess it’s time to be religious. 😬😬😬

Sea of Lovers

Definitely the song of the year.
Every time I listen to it I can think back to walking around in Van.
I remember all the feelings I’ve had before I decided to go on my boy binge lol.
I remember listening to this at the gym in Van... staring at the sparkling lights, reconciling my feelings and thoughts.
Almost a full year later and I’m still doing the same thing.
My heart.
A whole year and arguably fruitless labour...
But all experiences are experiences nonetheless, right?
Definitely have to say this was an interesting year. Most eventful yet.
Every year I say this, and I hope it’s gonna continue...
Meanwhile I have to get my shit TOGETHER.